Sometimes my own laugh scares the hell out of me
I’m like, “Was that me?”
Dog
So apparently one of our neighbours got a dog!! Yayyy!!! Good for them!! Absolutely great!!! For them ONLY!!!
I have to be up at 6:45 AM for work and it’s 1 AM right now!! I can’t sleep!!! It’s constantly barking!!! It has been hours!!! We live in a quiet neighbourhood. Excellent street. Quiet!!! This dog!!! Aaaahhhhhhh…!!!
Distractions.
Sherlock…Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman…has distracted me from this brilliant new idea I have come up with about writing a book on me and my best friend!!! Timothy Nulty, his name is! He is actually ignoring me at the moment since I wanna borrow $20 off him to go online shopping (which he believes I am doing but…) which I believe is really nothing compared to how much I usually spent. This time I really need it! I have messaged other people to convince him to lend me the money. Or he could be just not replying because he is at work. I dunno. Love the dramas in my head! ;)
Anyhow, I have been meaning to go on a rant for a little while now…about nothing really important cause thats what I do best. I have been discovering lots of new things, learning a lot of human behaviour, learning more about myself (I don’t really consider myself fully human) and something called loneliness, a feeling: which I had forgotten about since 2009 the first and the last time I ever felt it.
Two people who are important to me keep talking about it lately. How lonely they feel. How they need someone. How they could overcome it. And all this…so I did a little bit of research on how to find that someone. Online dating!
Before this begins, I am 26, since I was 17 till 25 and a half I was in relationships after relationships. Long terms. In love. Soulmates. Everything. Its been just over a year where I have found myself to be single and absolutely loving every minute of it! A lot can change over a year for most people with the right attitude. After the break up I went through depression, cut out a lot of people from my life including family, I even tried to cut out Tim, I hated everything that had to do with my ex-partner and my life together. But not once did I feel lonely.
When the break up actually hit me, my first thought was ‘Wilko would have felt this but much worse’. I remember exactly where I was. I was sitting on my bed in Bennett Street, staring into space and this was my first actually thought. I felt bad for my ex who I had broken up with 3 years before that. I thought of him and felt bad for him instead of letting me feel what I felt for me. I wanted to apologize to him for ever feeling the way I did at that moment. No one deserves it. I wouldn’t wish it to my arch enemy…if I had one…I want one!!
So, I do have the experiences of relationship dramas, fall outs, in-love, out of love, betrayal, lies, broken promises and everything and anything that comes with being in a relationship. But I don’t remember ever feeling lonely. So, couple of days ago, I made myself a fake name, created a new e-mail account and made an online dating profile.
I did not lie about myself. I wrote down exactly what I want in my life at the moment. No attachments no commitment just fun. And just for an extra touch I took a picture of the tree on our neighbour’s yard and set it as my profile picture! Five minutes later I had about 10 views, and 4 messages.
Some saying how beautiful I am, others about how first contact is so hard but here goes ‘hello’, and others how we have meet in their dreams. I couldn’t understand it. I am not a tree so they couldn’t have possibly known how beautiful I am and nor could they have meet me in their dreams. But I guess thats okai and thats how online dating works. These people are putting themselves out there to find someone to share their lives with. Someone who would make them feel ‘complete’. Some sort of company. I grew up with my father always telling me ‘no man’s an island’.
Completely understandable. Going back to 2009, when Wilko left and I was surrounded by friends who were being supportive and giving me constant company to distract me. They were fabulous and I appreciated it so very much. But being surrounded by all those lovely people and feeling alone is another thing. Crying, being angry, feeling betrayed…jumble of emotions constantly arising was difficult and unstable.
I like having control over my life and myself. I am a happy, outgoing person and I absolutely hated being miserable. And couple of months later I tore myself out of the state of mind and decided to see a counselor. I even went to see Wilko and my ‘family doctor’ as I like to put it since I thought it was so cute and tried to convince him to clone Wilko. I am a little bit crazy. I missed him. Anyhow, all that happened and I realized how i had let someone completely take over me. Yes, I loved him and I wanted to be with him. But thats all I knew. I knew nothing else.
I was with my ex-partner because I missed Wilko, I wanted to fill a void in my life. Lovely boy, carefree and fun. It was a terrible thing for me to do. I had so much love I needed to give it away. I wanted to pamper and love someone. But I never gave away myself to him like I gave myself to Wilko subconsciously. I never thought about it. All I knew was that I need to protect myself and not go back to being miserable. I had a great time without realizing what it was doing to him.
Three years later, it ended. The end was different this time. And a lot more problems and issues risen within me. I went through a rough time and I pulled myself out of it. I made my first domestic violence joke just the other day. I am studying to be a social worker probably not appropriate. I saw something I hadn’t seen in a long time. FREEDOM!
I grabbed it with both hands and ran with it. I still haven’t come back down to earth from the high! I have tried new things, I have changed my attitude, I am focused on my dreams, I am loving and pampering myself. I had forgotten me in my relationships. I had lost myself in someone else’s life. I was miserable. I was afraid. Now I am whoever I want to be. Not who someone else wants me to be. I am happy.
Its different for everyone. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their problems. A lot has to do with the person’s attitude, who they see themselves as, who they want to be, what they want to achieve. For me, I don’t want to be a miserable person, I want to be happy because I deserve to be happy. I am too proud to let someone put me down. I am worthy of all things good and fabulous! I have an ego of 10 men and thats dangerous, but what I believe is if you don’t put yourself up no one else will.
People are too selfish, too needy, too judgemental because they don’t know their own self worth. Another reason why everyone need to find that ‘special someone’ to feel worthy of this life. I used to be in that state of mind. I understand thats what people want. And so be it. What I don’t understand is, why do people let this consume them? Why does having a partner mean having a complete life or fulfilled life?
Why can’t people be happy with themselves? Why can’t people see they are worth so much more than what the norm of society has to say? They can achieve anything and everything. They are beautiful in their own way and they have their good and their bad. Self worth is so important! There is no better feeling that making yourself feel good. But they are only humans; ” If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him…We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi.
Paraphrase that to: Be the change you wish to see in the world.
I don’t want you to feel lonely. I want you to love yourself and be filled with yourself. I want you to let go of that distraction; its stopping you from knowing you and more.
I will never deny having issues. Personal transformation is a start.
PS: These are my thoughts. No one has to agree and no one has to disagree. I love me and I wish you to love yourself.
B
